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Top 9 Traits for a Healthy Relationship

Whether you’re dating, or in a committed relationship, you’re in the driver’s seat. Getting caught up in good looks and chemistry can be fun and exhilarating, but the excitement is likely to wear off, and then what do you have?

The following are some key relationship traits that can help you to create a deep and meaningful bond after the sparks die down. All of these stem from being emotionally mature. One thing in life is certain, is that it’s always changing. You’re going to experience hardship. In order to maintain a healthy bond, it’s important to have a high degree of emotional intelligence. You both must be willing to grow your emotional skills along with your awareness and support of your partner's. Be the best version of yourself for the sake of the relationship.

You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. And, it all starts with how you own all these traits. The stronger you are in these areas, the greater the likelihood that you’ll attract someone who compliments you.

Emotional Intelligence...it all starts here

By far, the most important trait you can each bring into a relationship is owning your emotions and your responses to your emotional triggers. Everyone is going to get triggered on occasion, it’s how you relate and communicate that makes all the difference.

Know your own ineffective coping skills and patterns, and take ownership in transforming them into a more mature and peaceful way of being. This is your responsibility. Admit when you’re wrong, show remorse, understand how your actions and words effect the other person, and be willing to be humble. If you’re coming from a point of view that you’re perfect and done growing, you’ve missed the point. Life is always changing, and you must be willing to own your emotions in order to move your relationship through these big ebbs and flows. Inspect how you process emotions and handle triggers. Find the ways in which you can grow and act on that. None of us is perfect; be willing to heal your ineffective patterns. What was your upbringing like? Is it full of healthy relationships, or is it full of abuse or absence? We all hold emotional patterns and how we observed our role models in our childhood is a compelling indication of how we will handle emotions in our adult relationships. Your level of emotional intelligence is the key most important indicator of how well you will function in a relationship.

Respectful Communication

Be willing to communicate in a language that your partner understands. Learn the ways that work and don’t work. Ask your partner how they like to receive love. Inspect your communication style to determine whether it's in a way that your partner is likely to receive it. Does your partner like to be shown acts of appreciation, quality time, physical touch, or gifts? Notice your choice of words, body language, actions, tone of voice, and overall energy. If you’re saying that you’re open and want to resolve something, and you’re sitting with your arms folded across your heart space and angled away from your partner, this message sends the exact opposite signal. You’re closed off and not willing to hear the other person’s perspective. If you’re resorting to sarcasm, snide remarks, or yelling, what you’re doing is demeaning your partner. Be open to listen with a humble and curious demeanor. Be open to receiving feedback from your partner. Be willing to give feedback to your partner. The only way to know if you’re doing something right is to have open communication. The more you discuss what’s working and not working, the closer you will bond with your partner.

Patience and understanding

Be patient with how the other person processes their emotions. Some people are more in tune with their emotions and can identify them and process them more quickly. Others need more time. You must come to some sort of understanding about how you process and how the other processes. If you’re in the middle of a heated argument, one might need some space and time to sort through all of their emotions to distinguish what it really is that they’re upset about. Create a “safe word” to get you back to center. This is a way in which you can stop what you’re doing no matter what and create safety and respect for the overall goals of the relationship. If one person is hot and triggered, the other might call this safe word so that they both can be reminded of their overall goal of love, harmony, and respect. Our word is “home base”. Any time one of us says this, we immediately stop our argument and focus on the bigger picture. Your safe word allows you to circle back to the conversation once you’ve both had a chance to calm down. Remember, it’s always a good practice to circle back - bottling up emotions or important discussions is never a good idea. Have patience with each other and find ways to discuss important topics once you both feel safe.

Appreciation for your differences

You may seem to have everything in common on the surface. Remember, each of us is unique. One of you might have been raised in an environment where healthy discussion was the norm and the other might have had little conversation about difficult topics. One of you might have had a family with loads of money and the other was just below poverty. You have different ways of doing and being. When you're not open to your partner's uniqueness, you may send an unintentional message that there's something wrong with their approach. There are tons of ways in which you differ and if you can appreciate where your partner is coming from, understand their unique perspective, you will be more equipped to relate.

Awareness of masculine/ feminine energy

There are masculine and feminine traits in each of us. Some people have a more feminine energy, and some are more masculine. This energy fluctuates on any

given day and even in any moment. Some masculine traits are purpose-driven, assertive, protective, goal-oriented, action-oriented, physical, analytical, or ambitious. Feminine traits are humble, tactful, compassionate, caring, sensitive, creative, and free-flowing. Understanding this balance in yourself and in your partner can greatly help you to understand when things work and don’t work. Perhaps you’re both in a more masculine state and you’re vying for control. Or, maybe you’re both feeling free-flowing and are having trouble making a decision. Knowing where you’re both at can be a great benefit to your relationship.

Accountability

We each own our part in how we handle difficulties. It’s so easy to blame the other when things aren’t going well. If you say something that hurt the other person’s feelings, own it, apologize for it, and express remorse. This equally goes true if you’re on the receiving end of the hurtful comments. If you resort to silence when you’re deeply upset, your partner may take this as permission to continue - you’re allowing it. If you’re experiencing repeating patterns that lead you nowhere, take a hard look at yourself and why you’re in this repeating cycle. What was your part in the conflict? Blaming the other should be second to this inspection of yourself. This balance is delicate, and owning your part is the first step. If each of you are willing to take accountability, then your likelihood of success improves.

Compassion

You must have compassion for yourself and your partner. When you open your heart to the other, this sends a message of love and acceptance. You’re saying that you care and you’re with them through the hardship. Sending this message happens with your words, your energy, your body language, and your actions. If your words don’t match your actions, the other person is going to see this as a betrayal – no matter how big or small. A thousand tiny betrayals like this will lead to a big lack of trust. How you show up for yourself and the other person speaks volumes. Support each other with compassion through your gestures toward each other. Coming from a place of compassion will always lead to a more peaceful interaction.

Solid personal boundaries

You must really know yourself in order to know what to do when something

doesn’t feel right. If you continue to allow your partner to treat you in a way that doesn’t feel good, then you’ve gone way outside your own boundaries. This can happen in little ways over time and erode your relationship, and erode your ability to see outside of it. You can become so jaded to the dysfunction that it becomes the norm. This is a slow form degradation of your inner essence. You must own your boundaries, you must know how to express to your partner when those boundaries have been crossed, and you must hold your partner accountable. This is the biggest form of self-respect. Once you allow your boundaries to be crossed, you give your partner permission to continue to cross them. You also lose respect for yourself, and thus, your partner likely won’t respect you either.

Equality in the household

Remember that each of us brings unique abilities, talents, and strengths into the relationship. There are many items to consider when sharing space, living expenses, and household duties. This is just part of life. Being a good roommate means that each person feels appreciated for what they contribute to the household and gives them strong sense of being valued. You must agree on how you handle all of these tasks, otherwise, unmet expectations lead to disappointment. It can also lead to an imbalance in equality. This happens a lot in partnerships where one person is bringing home most of the financial resources and the other is taking care of all the household chores. It often leads one person to feel more powerful than the other. Be willing to discuss the balance of equity to ensure you both feel valued. Be willing to negotiate how you’re contributing until both of you feel that you’re contributing energy and resources equally. When it comes to how money is contributed and spent, it can get tricky. There’s a reason experts suggest that money is one of the greatest sources of stress in a relationship. One suggestion from financial expert, Suze Orman is to have each person contribute a percentage of their income to the overall household bills. This can leave both feeling empowered. When one person feels less valued, it strains the relationship and can cause you to “nickel and dime” each other. This is a form of keeping score that erodes the relationship.

Resources

The following have been tremendous resources in my own relationship journey.

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., McMillan, R., Switzler: Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Ali Dombek Handel is a life coach, business professional, and a creative entrepreneur from Denver, Colorado. She has been studying human behavior, communications, relationships, and personal transformation for as long as she can remember. If you're having trouble making a change, Ali can help you. Set up a FREE 30-minute consultation today to see how life coaching can help you navigate toward a better life. Call 303-817-3027. Ali takes clients over the phone from the comfort of your own space. https://www.blissfulsol.com/

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With encouragement of many friends, mentors, colleagues, and a lot of self-discovery, I decided it’s time to inspire others by sharing my experiences through writing.

Thank you for stopping by. V

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