It's Time: Stop Complaining and Take Ownership
It’s time.
You’ve lived through enough of your own messes and are starting to understand that it’s not your surroundings or external circumstances bringing you unhappiness.
It’s you.
And, it’s time to take action on the clean-up effort.
You’ve recognized that you aren’t happy with whatever situation you happen to find yourself in. Maybe it’s a relationship that isn’t bringing you joy. Perhaps you don’t feel heard or respected. Perhaps it feels off-balance. Or, maybe it’s your job. You’ve been on auto-pilot, surrounded by toxic energy, and just doing the work to pay your bills. Maybe you’ve noticed that it’s just the everyday hustle and bustle of traffic, grocery shopping, cooking, and housework that’s got you feeling like you want to pull your hair out. Maybe you’re out of shape and want to feel better.
You’re tired of the ongoing conversation in your head, and then venting to your BFF about how things are awful for you. You notice the same words streaming through your mind: this job is killing me, my partner doesn’t treat me well, all I ever do is work, chores, and then go home to a partnership that isn’t working.
It’s time.
It’s time to start listening to your secret yearnings and more importantly, it's time to take action.
You’ve lived through enough of the repeating patterns that have stifled your energy. You’re tired of venting to your BFF about how things are awful for you.
I’m here to tell you that the only way out of your own mess is to clean it up yourself. Have respect for yourself. Listen to the yearnings, warning signals, and have the courage to change. You are the only one who can change your experiences. You are the only one who can create the joy that you want. You are the only one who can take a step to feel well.
The secret to your yearnings is you my sweet friend.
It’s time you take responsibility for the areas of dissatisfaction that keeps you up at night.
Ok, all of that is good, and you’ve finally realized that all of this mess is yours, how do you get started?
Listen to the top 3 yearnings that keep you up at night. Each night before bed, notice what stressors are occupying your mind. Notice the repeating thought patterns and the cycling chatter. Sure, some of this is just nonsense, but I bet there are some snippets of deep wisdom in there. It takes courage to bring awareness to things that aren't going well. Once you shine a light on the darkness, you will likely notice some things that aren't so wonderful. What are the top three thought patterns that come to your mind? Trust me in that it's much easier to bring awareness to the mess than to cover it up until you are buried in it.
I’m suggesting that you take a good hard look at what it is that you feel is lacking. Is it respect? Maybe you’re lacking respect of a person at work. Or, maybe you don’t get the respect from your partner at home. Or, could it be that you are the one who is buying yourself all the junk food that’s contributing to your lack of wellness? There is only one person who owns this. It’s you. If you aren’t getting the respect that you feel you deserve, could it be that you don’t respect yourself enough to receive it? And, when you dive deeper into this, perhaps it’s that you don’t know yourself enough to know your own boundaries and thus, continue to let others walk all over you. Knowing yourself and what feels right or doesn’t feel right is a first step here. Take stock of this and keep this list close to you. Perhaps it’s as simple as, “potato chips don’t make me feel good – yes, they are delicious and I love them, but I always feel like crud after eating them.” Or, likely it’s a bit more complex like that. Perhaps you notice that you don’t like how another person treats you. What specifically is it about the interaction that doesn’t feel right? Observe the signs in your physical body, your emotions, and your behaviors when you notice something doesn’t feel good. Do you recluse? Do you shut down? Do you feel heavy? Do you feel heated? If something doesn't feel good, then this is your built-in alert system warning you that something is "off" from your center. These are all warning signs that come from the inner wisdom of your essential-self telling you that you aren’t aligned with what's right for you.
Take ownership.
You are the only one that can change your outcome. You are the one who chose the situation, person, or job. And, you are the one who owns your part of it. There is no one to blame. And, although you may not like this fact, it isn’t about the other person. I’m here to tell you that all the interactions or experiences that are bringing you misery are all your own doing. You have chosen to eat the bag of chips every day. You’ve chosen to allow another person to treat you in ways that aren’t kind or encouraging. Yes, this may be a bitter pill to swallow, and I may be wrong here, but I suspect when you take stock of this, you will come to realize that your part in it. You hold the key to change it.
I’m not suggesting that this is easy. Taking ownership of your own mess is hard. It requires facing the honest facts and being true to yourself. You may lose the people and experiences that were part of the mess. You may feel lonely. When you lose something or someone that isn't aligned, you grieve. You're grieving an old paradigm and it's messy and hard. I promise that if you're willing to take ownership, even with all the mess, you will start to recover.
Of course, if you’re in an extreme situation where there is physical or emotional abuse, or the fear of violence, then this type of change may require the help of an experienced therapist to help you out of it. Make an appointment to get help. This is the thing to own. Own your part and take some small baby steps toward a healthier situation.
Take ownership that you created this situation.
Stop complaining. This is a big one my friends. If you notice that when you see your friends and your contribution to the connection contains the same references to your crappy job, your strained partnership, your lack of fitness, this is a sure sign that it’s time to act and stop venting. I know, this is easier said than done. But, all of that complaining is just taking up the energy you could be using to work toward a solution. It isn’t helpful. The time is now. You can’t change another person. You can’t change the guy who cut you off in traffic. You can’t change the long lines at the grocery stores. You can’t change that you need to work more than usual right now to achieve a goal. Accept your experiences and stop complaining. I'm not saying that it's not ok to vent on occasion; I'm suggesting that you bring awareness to your interactions with your friends. Are you dumping a bunch of your woes onto your BFF at the next moment you see them? Perhaps you're thinking, 'I can't wait to get some one-on-one time with Beth so I can tell her about all the stuff that's been happening with so-and-so at work...' If this is happening repeatedly, it's crossed the line from healthy venting to complaining. Your friend wants you to be well, safe, and healthy, and she wants to know what you're doing about it. Only you can create that for yourself.
Practice gratitude.
This one takes a tiny amount of effort. Notice the small things around you that you’re grateful for. Write them down. There is scientific evidence that indicates that writing down 3 things you’re grateful for changes the way you perceive your experiences. After just 21 days of gratitude journaling, instead of focusing on negative thoughts, your brain starts to look for more positive experiences. The science is super cool, and my own personal experience has solidified this wisdom. Notice the moment when you don’t buy the chips. Be grateful that you chose you! Notice the moment when you express to your partner that you don’t like the way he or she is treating you. Be grateful that you stood up for yourself. Notice the green lights you drove through on your way home from work. Be grateful for this easy drive. Notice the nice gesture of the person who let you merge onto a busy highway. Be grateful.
Write this stuff down my friend and you will start to notice these little pieces of gold.
Select a power word that will encourage your actions. Nothing has inspired me more than the word I choose every year that lights a fire under my butt in an area I know I need to grow. Is it respect, boundaries, bravery, courage, confidence, or peace that you crave? You can read more about how I select my word and how I weave it into my life on a daily basis here.
Take action. Even if you’ve been miserable in your relationship, you don’t have to just walk out the door today. You can take baby steps toward what feels better. You can start to speak out about what doesn’t feel right about your partner's words or actions. You can pass up the snack food isle on your next trip to the grocery store. You can say no to the donut at work. Taking a tiny step toward the grievances in your mind will start to contribute to your overall confidence in yourself. You will start to experience a boost in your self-esteem. No one can change your situation but you, and by taking baby steps, you begin to shift your perception and learn to trust yourself. Take some sort of action towards what feels right to the deepest parts of yourself will help. Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.
Celebrate your accomplishments. Of course, especially when you’re trying to make a big change, you will stumble and fall, and stumble again as you learn what’s right and not right. You will break down and buy those potato chips and eat the whole bag. You’ll fail to speak up when your partner makes a demeaning comment. All of this is part of the process of change. It’s unlikely that you’ll change overnight. If you do, congratulations, my friend. You are in the minority.
Most changes occur in little snippets like the time you went to your friends birthday party and were surrounded by queso and chips and instead you chose carrots and hummus. Or, when you spoke up in a powerful and yet kind manner to express specifics of how what your partner did or said didn’t feel good to you. And, maybe it takes many interactions of staying true to yourself by speaking and honoring the truth of your essence and your partner still isn’t willing to honor or respect your sacred boundaries. Things can be very difficult especially when you love someone, and yet, you are allowing them to treat you in a way that doesn’t honor who you are and what you value most. Each time you take a baby step toward what feels good to you, you enhance your self-trust. Celebrate the accomplishments of when you honor and respect yourself enough to hold a firm line on your boundaries.
If things don’t change for the better, keep digging for more specifics of the core of the problem. Keep trying. You deserve to be the best version of yourself. Take ownership for your life.
It’s time.
Ali Dombek Handel is a life coach, business professional, and a creative entrepreneur from Denver, Colorado. She has been studying human behavior and transformation for as long as she can remember. If you're having trouble making a change, Ali can help you to nagivate it. Set up a FREE 30-minute consultation today to see how life coaching can help you navigate toward a better life. Call 303-817-3027. Ali takes clients over the phone from the comfort of your own space. https://www.blissfulsol.com/
