F%ck New Year's Resolutions, Set Intentions
You've been through this New Year's thing before. You set all these well-meaning resolutions. You're hell-bent on losing weight, eating better, watching less TV, spending less time on social media, running more, going to yoga, having more sex, having less sex, drinking less, partying less, fighting less, standing up for yourself more, climbing 10 mountains, and climbing the corporate ladder. Oy vay....that's a lot of lofty ideas. Do you sense an eye-roll here?
I'm not saying to not have goals, I'm suggesting that you re-evaluate your approach. I'm inviting you to try something different.
Choose a word of the year.
I'm inviting you to ditch the lofty New Year's Resolutions, and instead set intentions. I love intentions so much that each year I choose a word or short phrase that acts as a reminder throughout my entire year. This word is like your cheerleader who's there to encourage you to grow. This word is a simple way in which you can become mindful of the opportunities that show up in your life. This word is a beacon of light beaming with a gentle display of where you can showcase your attention.
My word-of-the-year has been profound, surprising, and scary at times. I chose the word brave one year and then, resigned my career, floated around for about 8 months until I finally had the courage to listen to my intuition and complete an expensive and intensive life coaching program. This was one of the scariest moments of my life and I do think that choosing the word brave enabled me to be brave in ways I never would have experienced. That little 5-letter word transformed my viewpoint.
This past year, I chose peaceful presence as my phrase. This was by far the most profound growth spurt I've ever experienced since selecting a power word 9 years ago. By becoming mindful, present, and still, I was able to notice tiny details around how I handled situations in life. I was able to observe the physical, emotional, behavioral, and mental sensations that accompanied my memories, my responses, and ultimately allowed me to take account of some big patterns that have stiffled me since early childhood. I reflected back on my choice of words over the years and thought, "holy cow, this shit is for real!"
How do you choose a word? Here's my approach...
Observe your mental dialog for a period of time.
Perhaps you have a similar conversation with yourself regarding your relationships, how you act, what you do, and how you feel. Get quiet. I mean really quiet. Just sit and breathe. Sit in nature. Meditate. Get really quiet and listen to your intuition. Take some moments throughout your day and reflect on what patterns keep coming up for you. Notice what thoughts keep you up at night. Ask yourself if there was one thing I'd like to bring to myself, what would it be?
Monitor this for a few days just before bed, for a week, or even a few weeks. I bet when you notice the top things on your mind after a few days, you'll observe a few common thought patterns.
Maybe you just want more peace and quiet even with the chaos around you. Your inner dialog might be, "Everyone is so loud, I can't get anything done. I have so much to do and I'm always rushing around. I feel like I never have any time to myself. I can't get any peace and quiet."
Maybe you'd like to learn to communicate with ease. In this case, your mental dialog might go something like this, "Gosh, why do I always pick a fight when I feel scared?" or, "I keep running into conflicts with the same person at work." or, "I can't seem to get my partner to understand me."
Find the feeling.
If you'd like more peace and quiet, is it really that you're so busy? Maybe you're working 7 days a week and if that's the case, you might want more balance. Or, is it that you overthink and can't seem to shut off the chatter? Maybe you're really craving more peace and freedom in your mind. Perhaps you want a sense of calm.
If you're failing at communication, maybe it's really that you haven't learned to understand what feels right or wrong to you. Maybe it's better understanding your boundaries that will enable you to communicate them with confidence. Or, maybe you really just don't seem to relate with others, get nervous around people, stumble on your words, and are craving the feeling of authentic connection amidst your awkwardness.
Do you see how focusing on the feeling helps you to better define what it is you really want? We can set all the goals we want, but if we're missing the key ingredient in this recipe, the feeling, then we're missing the boat.
Research some words.
Your word will be with you for the entire year. Be sure your word resonates deeply with you. Remember the example I listed above where I chose the word brave and ended up in the scariest situation of my life? I don't have any regrets about any of my words, and the lessons and growth that followed, but I do look back and wonder what I was getting myself into. Yep, choose your word wisely.
Jot some words down that seem to bring you the feeling you'd like to gain. Go to the trusty dictionary and thesaurus and research the crap out of those words. I mean it. Find words that really speak to you.
Given my foray with peaceful presence, I learned so much about myself. I got to the root-cause of many of my health issues, my emotional struggles, my relationship woes, my insecurities, and fears. I found out how and when I resort to ineffective numbing patterns that have ruled my life and left me feeling more dazed and confused. So, I put some laser focus on this numbing. I realized that I do these things when there's uncertainty. I cover myself in a blanket, sit on my couch, eat a bag of crackers or chips, and binge-watch Netflix instead of facing myself. Don't get me wrong, there are loads of areas where I know I'm rock star, am super motivated, and feel on top of the world. At first I looked into words like determination, motivation, and drive. None of them seemed to give me the feeling I craved. Then, I saw that a close friend chose confidence as her word. That was it! It was the feeling of confidence that I wanted. This year, confidence is my word.
Immerse yourself in your word.
One of the most successful ways in which you can weave your word into your year is to immerse yourself in it. Create a vision board. Post your word in various places in your home, car, and office. Find photos or images that remind you of the feeling you get when you see your word. Set a mindfulness reminder on your phone that is your secret notification that you're paying attention to your word at that time. This was a game-changer for me. I set a beautiful chime-like sound on my phone at noon and 5pm. That's the time I was able to check in with the physical, emotional, and mental sensations and identify the behaviors that were associated. This alarm isn't meant as a hard-driving slap in the face when you find yourself doing something less than nurturing. It's meant to remind you to be a silent observer and to take note of the "data" of what you're experiencing. I'm already noticing myself feeling more confident just by that simple alarm that goes off. And, when I'm not feeling confident, I can take note of what's going on at the time.
I noticed that I haven't felt physically strong, and thus, this has also led to my diminished confidence. So, what I do is immerse myself in the experiences that bring me confidence. Make a list of things that have given you the feeling that you want to bring to yourself. For me, I've felt confident when I'm physically active, when engaged in new experiences, when I know my talents and strengths and use them, when connecting with nature, when I contribute to the success of others, and when I express my creative talents. In a nutshell, confidence means I trust myself. These are all things that bring me confidence. I can tell you for sure that it's not curling up on the couch with the bag of chips watching 5 hours of Gilmore Girls.
Notice how your word is showing up throughout the day. I ask myself how confidence is showing up for me. This is a gentle and positive way to take notice.
Share your word.
Sometimes it's scary sharing the ways in which you'd like to expand, or the things you'd like to release from your life. Allowing your deepest vulnerabilities to be known to a trusted confident is a way to power your path. Nothing helps more than to share your word with a trusted friend. You don't have to blab to everyone about your word. Selecting some supportive friends can make all the difference.
These are people in your tribe you can call on when you're having a diffucult moment, or feel stuck. These are the friends who can lift you up when you feel defeated. This is the person you can call or text when you triumph past a challenge. These are people who love you no matter what.
Be kind to yourself.
Nothing wears you down more than that negative inner critic. Maybe you ran into that difficult coworker and stumbled through yet another strange interaction. Maybe you found yourself going way past your personal boundaries and chose to go to that party that you didn't want to attend when you just wanted some rest and rejuvination.
It's ok to experience moments when you don't feel as solid in your path toward the feeling you'd like. Just allow yourself these moments, be thankful for the experience, and know that there's another day to try again. You are trying by the way.
Celebrate the little things.
Take notice when you feel the feeling that your word brings you. Observe the moments when you power through what once was a repeating pattern. Notice when you have that crucial conversation with the coworker who you've always seemed at odds with. Notice when you feel that sense of peace and space that you're craving. Relish in it! Notice what you were doing when you felt the feeling. Notice your inner dialog. Notice what behaviors you were engaged with. In fact, go ahead and have that bag of chips. Watch your favorite episode of Gilmore Girls. Have a beer. Go for a run. Do whatever it is that you want to do to celebrate these small accomplishments.
So, this year, promise me that you'll ditch the resolutions, set your intention, and put attention on the behaviors, people, and experience that support your path. While you may not experience profound changes for the better, you're likely to experience less stress, less self-critique, and greater meaning.
I dare you to try it!
Ali Dombek Handel is a life coach, business professional, and creative entrepreneur from Denver, Colorado. She's been guiding others with transformational work for most of her life. If you want to make bigger changes in your life and don't know where to start, Ali invites you to experience what life coaching can do for you.
