My Most Loving Advocate: Me
Sometimes even us light workers have a rough day.
No, not the kind of day where you wake up and spill your coffee in your lap, or have an inconvenient traffic delay. I’m talking about the kind of day that feels like your heart and soul have shrunk to the tiniest speck, and you just want to crawl in bed, lie in the fetal position and cry.
Yesterday was this kind of day and it seemed to come out of nowhere. I awoke feeling inspired and clear. I had been documenting my dreams and had just awoke and remembered some really cool dreams that made me feel aligned with my purpose and clear on my path.
Then, that feeling of bliss changed in a matter of milliseconds...
I had a conversation with a dear friend who didn’t seem to agree with one of my business endeavors. Not only didn’t agree, but seemingly vehemently opposed to my plan. This felt like a stab in the heart.
You see, not only do I consider this friend one of my dear soul friends, but also hold this friend in THE highest regard. So, when I had this interaction yesterday, it didn’t just create a low mood, it triggered me in a way that I have never experienced.
As I have become acutely aware of the physical, emotional, and energetic sensations in any given moment, this one had me perplexed. My hands literally
trembled uncontrollably. It wasn’t just a little shake - they shook so hard that I just sat there in awe observing the trembling as I read her text message. Then a constant stream of tears spewed from my eyes. I have experienced many emotional triggers in my lifetime since I spent nearly half of my adult life in fight or freeze mode. This was different. I have never experienced my hands trembling quite like that before – and it scared me.
I cried nearly the entire day.
I wept myself to sleep.
I reacted toward my friend by defending myself. (Oh boy, this is a defense mechanism that is deeply ingrained when I am being challenged).
How could I have been triggered to the core with something that wasn’t really life threatening?
Why did it crumble me for the entire day?
How could I have let my thoughts move into feelings of such despair?
I know my patterns are held deep and I am working on unraveling them to free myself of attachment. I have tasted this bliss of freedom that exists for me in any moment. Heck, I bent a spoon when I was energetically aligned in this bliss. I thought I’d mastered some of these tools, and I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I started to practice the tools on myself that I utilize in my coaching sessions and uncovered a whole storm of negative thoughts and limiting beliefs:
I need approval for my business decisions.and encourage my endeavors.
My friends should be supportive of me
I am not worthy of succeeding.
My friend isn't supportive of me.
The list could go on and on here :-/
When I believe these thoughts, it created a massive physical, behavioral, and emotional reaction that led to the biggest kind of downward spiral into the pits of despair. A reaction that I'm not proud of, and wouldn't want anyone to witness. It created feelings of shame and blame. It felt like my entire body ached with the pain of unworthiness. My entire body shook with feelings of being unworthy and unloved.
As I continued to do the work on myself, I uncovered thoughts that I know are truer than the original limiting belief.
I should be supportive of my friends.
I support my path.
I am worthy of succeeding.
I don't need approval from my friend.
I approve of my path.
Marinating in these truer thoughts allowed my heart to open back up and allow compassion for myself and for my friend. It wasn't my friend who created the feelings of despair. It was my false belief system that triggered the reaction.
And while I’m still healing from the negative thought pattern that had me in my own internal prison, I do feel lighter and freer than when I had experienced the trigger and believed the original thought.
So while I do appreciate the encouragement and support of friends and family, that may not always be the case. It wasn't my reality in this situation. When I look to myself as my most loving advocate, I begin to slowly open my heart
and begin to forgive myself for believing a thought that isn't even true, I begin to shine with
appreciation for my friend. I begin to see myself as my own advocate with loving kindness.
When we believe a reality that isn't true, a false belief created in our lizard brain, it creates the biggest kind of suffering. The untruth can seep like a toxin into every aspect of our lives. Perhaps this happens to you sometimes in your own way?
It was no accident that this happened on the eve of Valentine’s Day. The day that love is celebrated. Each year on Valentine’s Day, I search for a certain poem that always provides me a gentle reminder at just how worthy I am.
Today and everyday is a wonderful day to remind yourself to celebrate who you are in this very moment. Be your own advocate. Buy yourself flowers.
